I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
