My room smells like vodka and shame
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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