he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
