also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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