I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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