I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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