Pappa wants mamma naked
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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