i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
