he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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