Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize