Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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