omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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