My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
