i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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