my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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