your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
