he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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