I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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