I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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