Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
