I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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