did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
