Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
