I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
