That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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