I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize