my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
