someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
