I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
