FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
