before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
