I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
