Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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