Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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