Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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