Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
