Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize