FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
