oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
