he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
