Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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