im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
