The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
