the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
