The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
