either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
