I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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