Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
