I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
