While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
