i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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