i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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