yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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