im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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