Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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