im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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