Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize
