We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
