I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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