I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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