i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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