If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
