Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
All the doctor said was why
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
